2024 EUREKA
It didn’t bother him that he was dressed like an undercover cop, those cargo pockets of his were ‘full on life’ you could say, ready for come-what-may. Gerry trundled through life with optimism, naïveté, good intentions and plenty of sun block. Long service leave had come at a ripe moment though, he was not his normal hop-skip-jump self, Gerry really needed a break, a little introspection. A friend Cathy pushed him, recommending a stay at Eureka Retreat, a little self-sustaining, off-grid community in the lush Byron Bay hinterland…
“Hey partner, you must be Gerry. I’m Willow, welcome to Eureka. Here you are loved, earthed and decontaminated”. Willow spoke with an affected sultry, slightly husky voice and uncomfortable amounts of eye contact. She then hugged Gerry for what felt like an eternity and it was delivered with more pelvis than a normal hug.
“So first things first Gerry. Can you show me your toiletries bag, there will be a few things we need to remove to start the decontamination”. Gerry unclipped the front strap of his back pack and proceeded to take out his toiletries. “We won’t be needing these partner” Willow was holding Gerry’s toothbrush and toothpaste. “At Eureka we cleanse all our body portals with clay, Mamma Earth wants us to use her flesh to decontaminate ourselves”. Gerry’s mind naturally leapt to the maintenance of other bodily ‘portals’. Regret began to mount. Willow also removed the suncream, making an implausible remark about it that was clearly unsupported by scientific evidence.
Brother Ash leant on the verandah post in a languorous way, “Partner! Welcome to Eureka. Come on up, let us bond!” Gerry was picking up the lingo and guessed ‘bond’ meant to ‘hug with excessive duration and lots of unnecessary pelvis’. He lobbed up the steps and was met with a lengthy pelvis hug (as expected) but was also gifted an additional buttock squeeze - “Ooo Mamma has given you some Juice partner! Willow, did you feel these?”.
“Look I’m not so comfortable with all the touchy contact-y stuff” said Gerry. “Partner, don’t worry! We will teach you, that’s how we do it here, that’s why you’ve come to us, you just haven’t visioned it yet” said Ash. At that juncture Willow pulled Ash towards her giving him a long and substantially tongue-based kiss. She then advanced towards Gerry collecting both his buttocks in her hands “yeah Mamma gave you ‘the Juice’ Gerry!”. Gerry awkwardly pulled his head back thinking he was going to be passionately interlocked. “Don’t worry Partner, we can connect portals another time, it’s how we share the Source” Willow whispered with licentious inflection.
‘Fuck’ thought Gerry. ‘…and what is ‘the Juice’ and ‘the Source’ or is it ‘Sauce’?’ Willow’s eyes were trained at Gerry’s cargo pockets. “What’s in the side pockets Partner”. Gerry felt obliged. “Oh just some gum and lip balm in this one and my keys in this one, and a pen” all the while anxiously wondering what else is contraband. “Hand it all over Partner, these things only contaminate you”.
While Gerry had more smoothies and juices than normal since arriving in Byron Bay, he was pretty sure ‘the Juice’ this fecund troop was talking about was something rather different.
“So ‘the Source’ or is it ‘Sauce’ like a gravy, like, good bacteria, or something yeh? Probiotics” Gerry postulated.
“No, no, no Partner! You are mislead. The Sauce is one of Mamma’s products. It’s pure life-giving energy. You can get it from the sun, the soil, from trees, from love…” Ash lifted his arms gesturing to the surrounds.
“Oh like the Force? Like Yoda and the Jedis” Gerry nervously joked. The hosts stared blankly at Gerry. “Ok, and the Juice, umm, what’s that then?”
“The Juice is your procreative power my friend” said Ash, continuing “…don’t worry, you will see! Partner, follow me, come meet the others!”. Ash led Gerry around the side of the weatherboard bungalow to a grassy slope where a handful of ‘partners’ lay naked, spread-eagled, directing their rear ‘portals’ at the sun. “They’re decontaminating and stoking the Juice!” Exclaimed Ash excitedly.
“So ‘the Source’ or is it ‘Sauce’ like a gravy, like, good bacteria, or something yeh? Probiotics” Gerry postulated.
This rectum sunning was too much for Gerry, he was now dizzied with distress and becoming frantic. Then something happened. In the distance he heard a whirring engine approaching, then it came into sight. It was a red truck, a 1993 Nissan Patrol, rattling along the wooded track. Gerry’s instincts kicked in. He sprinted as fast as his Merrells could handle. He exited the driveway right into the oncoming red truck which screeched to a halt. “Please, help! Let me in!”
The driver, Alex, said “Bail in mate! Don’t stress!”. Gerry dived into the back bench seat. A few minutes passed before Gerry righted himself. A surreal moment transpired, the gentleman riding shotgun with Alex appeared more like a nobleman from antiquity, he was dressed in 1700’s British military regalia and introduced himself as “Captain the Honourable John Byron, and who is this that lies before me?”. Gerry simply replied “Hi, I’m Gerry”.
Read more in our story “Big Red Bus”…
